For starters, my DTS was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. It was a time where God stretched me, grew me, pursued me. It was a time that I started to understand the importance of my relationship with Him. It was a time of healing, of freedom, and of incredible joy. I wouldn’t trade those four and a half months for anything. I know that that is exactly what God had planned for me after high school.
In the last couple weeks of DTS, my staff offered advice about the transition back home. I heard over and over that the transition was going to be the hardest part of DTS. I figured after some of the incredible stretching God did on outreach, transitioning home would be a breeze. I’d be home again with my family and friends, and the only difference would be that I was more in love with God than before.
I was pretty off on that assumption. I got home a little bit just over six months ago, and I can pretty easily say that this has been the hardest six months of my life. I had made the decision before DTS that I would take the full year off and start school in the fall. With a large majority of my friends off at college, and the rest in high school, I found myself with lots of time to myself. And for those of you that know me well, you know that that isn’t something I enjoy. I would much rather spend my time with other people.
I knew that God had something special for me in this time. I knew that there was something He wanted for me. My dad said something to me shortly after I came home. He said, “Ryan, I’ve been praying for you, and I know you have been lonely, but I feel like God is saying that this season is a really special time for you and Him.” I agreed with that wholeheartedly. I wanted to get started right away. What I didn’t realize is that it wasn’t just “Spend time with me alone, away from your friends, and you are going to see incredible growth.” It was more as if God was calling to me, “Lay down everything, let go of everything, pursue me. I’m enough.” I didn’t realize He was saying that to me. All I knew was that God had said that this season was for me and Him, and I was seeing absolutely nothing coming from it.
I felt like my quiet times were dry. I felt abandoned my Him at points. “God, I did this for you, and now you are just leaving me. I spent four and a half months of my life pursuing you, and now you aren’t going to pursue me. Where are you?” I found myself wrestling with obedience. On DTS, I learned that God genuinely wanted relationship with me. Now I was wrestling with the idea that God only wanted relationship with me so that I could do stuff for Him.
I kept looking around trying to find God, only to find that I had shut him off, because I felt like I was being taken advantage of. I’d try to open back up to Him, but something kept me back. Needless to say this was a pretty rough time for me. I still knew that God hadn’t left me, but it sure felt like it.
Now to the fun part. Over the last six months God has asked me to give some things up to Him. Some small, some big. But all of them were things that hindered my relationship with Him. Some I couldn’t give up and I asked Him to take them from me, expecting He wouldn’t. He did.
In the past week, God shook some things up that needed to be shaken, and I was able to let of some things that I needed to let go of. And as we broke through my last wall keeping Him out, He ran full speed and swept me up in His arms. I think that is about the only way I can describe it. In the past week, I have seen the past six months come together in an awesome way. “Oh, I see why you did that God, sorry I was shut you off.” “Oh, thank you for doing that, even though I was mad at you about it.”
I have fallen in love with God at a deeper level than I have ever seen in my life. I have had more joy in the last week, than I have had the whole time I’ve been back home. And rather than God saying “I told you so,” He said, “I love you. I’m so proud of you. You’re mine.”
Thank you God for who you are!
