For most of my life I remember praying, even begging, for God to fix me. I just knew that if God would take away my pride or my selfishness, if God would take away my junk I would be free. I even convinced myself that I wanted it so that I could “serve Him better.”
The past several weeks has been filled with God bringing a lot of my issues to the surface. I’ve been seeing more and more of the junk that comes with being human. I’ve been more aware than ever of my pride, my selfishness, my judgmental thoughts, etc… Through all of this I’ve been pleading with God to fix it. Take it away from me God.
Yet through all of this I heard God say, “Ryan, stop asking for adequacy, and ask for dependence.”
That is big for me. That goes against my years and years of striving to be good enough. As Christians we are offered and we offer steps: “14 Steps to a Better Marriage”, “11 Steps to Humility”, “26 Ways to Love Your Neighbors”, but in all of this we tend to neglect what Jesus truly called us to.
In John 5:19 Jesus says, “I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.”
Jesus got it. He knew that his power was in the Father. He knew that his life was in the Father. Here we are running around trying to do life on our own, and Jesus is walking in relationship, in restful intimacy with the Father. When I take time to look at my motives for asking God to rid me of my pride it becomes pretty clear to me that I was striving for adequacy, to be able to do it on my own.
Living a life of dependence on God is a lot harder than living by steps, rules, and regulations. As humans, we gravitate to formulas and cookie cutter rules. Sure it’s easy, but there is no life in it. There is no relationship in it.
One of my favorite quotes is in “Wild at Heart” by John Eldridge:
“The problem with modern Christianity’s obsession with principles is that it removes any real conversation with God. Find a principle, apply the principle—what do we need God for?”
God never intended us to live by right and wrong. He intended us to live dependent on Himself as Jesus did in intimate relationship. In a world where independence is freedom, God is calling us to new levels of freedom in utter dependence on Him.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
I Need You More
In the past several weeks, God has been revealing that He is the ONLY source of joy and life. So many times I find myself making other things my source of joy. Whether it is my friends or my achievements, I seem to try and make my own joy. I don’t always enjoy God’s methods of teaching because it often involves stripping me of things that I rely on. Lately, it has been Him showing me that my friends won’t satisfy or fulfill my needs. As hard as that can be, it’s incredible because along with it He has been showing me that He does meet my needs, that He does satisfy.
About a week ago, I was listening to Kim Walker sing “I Need You More.” One section really caught my attention:
“I need You more, more than yesterday I need You Lord.
More than words can say I need You more.
Than ever before I need You Lord, I need You Lord.”
I need you more than yesterday. That’s so backwards from how I live. So many times the Christian life is a process of becoming more self-sustaining. We know how to sin less, we know how to teach our children, we know how to relate to our family, we serve more, we love better, and we are good Christians. If we’re honest with ourselves, isn’t that what we strive for? We strive for independence. We need God for salvation and then to teach us how to live, but it is a dwindling dependence on Him as He shows us more. We treat God like the parent raising His kids, gradually giving His kids more independence until they are ready to fly on their own.
That is so far from God’s heart. God’s desire is for us to become more and more dependent on Him because regardless of how many books we read, how many self-help classes we take, how often we read our Bible, we CANNOT live independent of Him. There is no life or love apart from Him. In our world, independence is freedom, but in God’s Kingdom there is true freedom in dependence.
God’s moving us away from independence towards dependence. Our society fights it, our flesh fights it, our mind fights it, but deep down our heart longs for it, our heart NEEDS it.
About a week ago, I was listening to Kim Walker sing “I Need You More.” One section really caught my attention:
“I need You more, more than yesterday I need You Lord.
More than words can say I need You more.
Than ever before I need You Lord, I need You Lord.”
I need you more than yesterday. That’s so backwards from how I live. So many times the Christian life is a process of becoming more self-sustaining. We know how to sin less, we know how to teach our children, we know how to relate to our family, we serve more, we love better, and we are good Christians. If we’re honest with ourselves, isn’t that what we strive for? We strive for independence. We need God for salvation and then to teach us how to live, but it is a dwindling dependence on Him as He shows us more. We treat God like the parent raising His kids, gradually giving His kids more independence until they are ready to fly on their own.
That is so far from God’s heart. God’s desire is for us to become more and more dependent on Him because regardless of how many books we read, how many self-help classes we take, how often we read our Bible, we CANNOT live independent of Him. There is no life or love apart from Him. In our world, independence is freedom, but in God’s Kingdom there is true freedom in dependence.
God’s moving us away from independence towards dependence. Our society fights it, our flesh fights it, our mind fights it, but deep down our heart longs for it, our heart NEEDS it.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Life in the Garden
Several months ago I came upon a book that threatened to challenge my view of Christianity. I actually look for the books that challenge my beliefs about God, because often times that is where He brings growth in my relationship with Him. For example, The Shack has been very influential in shaping my view of God. For years and years I've heard about a God that loves me, but I hadn't ever seen a picture that applied it to me in a real way like The Shack did. It opened my mind and my heart to the possibility and reality that God is personable and that His heart for me is deeper and softer than I had ever imagined. The God I had viewed for so long as a gatekeeper deciding on people's eternity based on what their lives looked like became a God that wants to spend time with me where I'm at, in the midst of my junk, in the center of my disbelief, because He simply wants me.
All that to say, God speaks very powerfully to me through books. So when I stumbled upon another book that would likely bring a challenge to my views, I was pretty excited about it. I started on it as soon as I could get a hold of it and was quite impressed by a lot of what I was reading. Several chapters into the book I came upon a quote that challenged the very core of who I believed God was and what He wanted from me.
I read it several times through, looking for some sort of loophole to change what it actually said, but to no avail. In paraphrase it said: “The core of Christianity is not simply that God loves us, but that God loves us so that His glory, His name, and His gospel will be spread to all people.” There is something about that that appeals to me. It helps me to explain why God sent His son to save me. He wanted everyone to see how amazing He was. That makes more sense to me. That is something I can take hold of. So on the surface it appeals to me, it catches my eye and confirms a belief I've had about God, that He wants to use me and that is why He sent Jesus.
HOWEVER, that is not where the issue stopped. Deeper down, something didn't feel right. There was something about it that challenged a deep core belief that I had. It challenged the belief that God did everything simply because of love. The belief that I didn't owe Him anything. As I wrestled with this idea, God took me back to the garden, back to His heart for creation.
When God created Adam and Eve it was for relationship. God walked with them, talked with them, and had perfect relationship with Him. That was it. There was nothing else that God made them for. He didn't make them to name the animals, He could have done that. He didn't create them to take care of the earth, He could have done that. He didn't create them to spread His glory, His name, and His gospel to the nations. They were all people and they KNEW Him in a perfect relationship. His purpose for creating them was simply relationship. There weren't any strings attached, His love was everything. They didn't even know the difference between good and evil, they didn't need to because they walked in perfect intimacy with Him. As soon as they decided to step out of that perfect intimacy and “become like god” they broke that perfect relationship. Their sin changed the course of history and affected everyone that has lived since, it had that power. But sin has never had the power to change who God is.
The God who created Adam and Eve for relationship is the same one that we talk about and write about today. Somehow we've accepted a God that needs us to pay Him back for what He's done for us, and ignored the God that just wants to walk in relationship.
One of the hardest things to fathom is that God would just send Jesus because He wants relationship with us. There has to be some catch, some ulterior motive for God's love. In a society where “FREE” means you have to read the fine print, it's hard to fathom life in the garden. But that is where God is calling us back to. He wants to take us back to His heart, back to relationship.
All that to say, God speaks very powerfully to me through books. So when I stumbled upon another book that would likely bring a challenge to my views, I was pretty excited about it. I started on it as soon as I could get a hold of it and was quite impressed by a lot of what I was reading. Several chapters into the book I came upon a quote that challenged the very core of who I believed God was and what He wanted from me.
I read it several times through, looking for some sort of loophole to change what it actually said, but to no avail. In paraphrase it said: “The core of Christianity is not simply that God loves us, but that God loves us so that His glory, His name, and His gospel will be spread to all people.” There is something about that that appeals to me. It helps me to explain why God sent His son to save me. He wanted everyone to see how amazing He was. That makes more sense to me. That is something I can take hold of. So on the surface it appeals to me, it catches my eye and confirms a belief I've had about God, that He wants to use me and that is why He sent Jesus.
HOWEVER, that is not where the issue stopped. Deeper down, something didn't feel right. There was something about it that challenged a deep core belief that I had. It challenged the belief that God did everything simply because of love. The belief that I didn't owe Him anything. As I wrestled with this idea, God took me back to the garden, back to His heart for creation.
When God created Adam and Eve it was for relationship. God walked with them, talked with them, and had perfect relationship with Him. That was it. There was nothing else that God made them for. He didn't make them to name the animals, He could have done that. He didn't create them to take care of the earth, He could have done that. He didn't create them to spread His glory, His name, and His gospel to the nations. They were all people and they KNEW Him in a perfect relationship. His purpose for creating them was simply relationship. There weren't any strings attached, His love was everything. They didn't even know the difference between good and evil, they didn't need to because they walked in perfect intimacy with Him. As soon as they decided to step out of that perfect intimacy and “become like god” they broke that perfect relationship. Their sin changed the course of history and affected everyone that has lived since, it had that power. But sin has never had the power to change who God is.
The God who created Adam and Eve for relationship is the same one that we talk about and write about today. Somehow we've accepted a God that needs us to pay Him back for what He's done for us, and ignored the God that just wants to walk in relationship.
One of the hardest things to fathom is that God would just send Jesus because He wants relationship with us. There has to be some catch, some ulterior motive for God's love. In a society where “FREE” means you have to read the fine print, it's hard to fathom life in the garden. But that is where God is calling us back to. He wants to take us back to His heart, back to relationship.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Perfection
I’ve figured life out. I have figured out the secret to being perfect. For years, I’ve had people telling me that I am a sinner and that I just need to not do drugs, or drink, or smoke, and then I’ll be fine. While yes, not doing those is a good thing, it’s not a solution, and really good behavior shouldn’t be our goal. Our goal should be perfection.
How can I say that? How can I say that perfection is even possible? What is perfection?
Perfection – (n) Freedom from fault or defect.
So am I saying that we can possibly have perfect behavior? Once again, behavior isn’t the end goal. Christianity is not a behavior improvement program. In one moment, we are made perfect. Post-salvation life is not a journey towards perfection. It is a journey with perfection.
In Colossians 1 Paul writes this:
21“Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. 22But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation.”
So because of the cross we are presented as holy, without blemish, and free from accusation in His sight. In other words, we are perfect in His sight. I have always pictured God looking at me and holding His hand over His eyes to cover up my blemishes, so that he only sees the good part of me. I know a lot of people that look at it that way. How is it possible that I bought into Satan’s lie that the God of the Universe would make Himself ignorant to my sins? It seems more reasonable that He would see me the way I really am. God sees us as perfect, as holy, without blemish, and free from accusation. That means we are perfect. We are holy. We are without blemish. We are free from accusation.
Maybe our behavior isn’t God’s focus. No longer are we judged by our behavior. We are perfect and blameless.
God isn’t interested in your behavior. God wants you. God’s life in you brings new behavior in your life, but it is never the goal. There comes a desire from God’s life to let Him live through you. It never needs to be you trying to cleanse yourself or to perfect yourself.
You are already perfect!
How can I say that? How can I say that perfection is even possible? What is perfection?
Perfection – (n) Freedom from fault or defect.
So am I saying that we can possibly have perfect behavior? Once again, behavior isn’t the end goal. Christianity is not a behavior improvement program. In one moment, we are made perfect. Post-salvation life is not a journey towards perfection. It is a journey with perfection.
In Colossians 1 Paul writes this:
21“Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. 22But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation.”
So because of the cross we are presented as holy, without blemish, and free from accusation in His sight. In other words, we are perfect in His sight. I have always pictured God looking at me and holding His hand over His eyes to cover up my blemishes, so that he only sees the good part of me. I know a lot of people that look at it that way. How is it possible that I bought into Satan’s lie that the God of the Universe would make Himself ignorant to my sins? It seems more reasonable that He would see me the way I really am. God sees us as perfect, as holy, without blemish, and free from accusation. That means we are perfect. We are holy. We are without blemish. We are free from accusation.
Maybe our behavior isn’t God’s focus. No longer are we judged by our behavior. We are perfect and blameless.
God isn’t interested in your behavior. God wants you. God’s life in you brings new behavior in your life, but it is never the goal. There comes a desire from God’s life to let Him live through you. It never needs to be you trying to cleanse yourself or to perfect yourself.
You are already perfect!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Life after DTS
For starters, my DTS was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. It was a time where God stretched me, grew me, pursued me. It was a time that I started to understand the importance of my relationship with Him. It was a time of healing, of freedom, and of incredible joy. I wouldn’t trade those four and a half months for anything. I know that that is exactly what God had planned for me after high school.
In the last couple weeks of DTS, my staff offered advice about the transition back home. I heard over and over that the transition was going to be the hardest part of DTS. I figured after some of the incredible stretching God did on outreach, transitioning home would be a breeze. I’d be home again with my family and friends, and the only difference would be that I was more in love with God than before.
I was pretty off on that assumption. I got home a little bit just over six months ago, and I can pretty easily say that this has been the hardest six months of my life. I had made the decision before DTS that I would take the full year off and start school in the fall. With a large majority of my friends off at college, and the rest in high school, I found myself with lots of time to myself. And for those of you that know me well, you know that that isn’t something I enjoy. I would much rather spend my time with other people.
I knew that God had something special for me in this time. I knew that there was something He wanted for me. My dad said something to me shortly after I came home. He said, “Ryan, I’ve been praying for you, and I know you have been lonely, but I feel like God is saying that this season is a really special time for you and Him.” I agreed with that wholeheartedly. I wanted to get started right away. What I didn’t realize is that it wasn’t just “Spend time with me alone, away from your friends, and you are going to see incredible growth.” It was more as if God was calling to me, “Lay down everything, let go of everything, pursue me. I’m enough.” I didn’t realize He was saying that to me. All I knew was that God had said that this season was for me and Him, and I was seeing absolutely nothing coming from it.
I felt like my quiet times were dry. I felt abandoned my Him at points. “God, I did this for you, and now you are just leaving me. I spent four and a half months of my life pursuing you, and now you aren’t going to pursue me. Where are you?” I found myself wrestling with obedience. On DTS, I learned that God genuinely wanted relationship with me. Now I was wrestling with the idea that God only wanted relationship with me so that I could do stuff for Him.
I kept looking around trying to find God, only to find that I had shut him off, because I felt like I was being taken advantage of. I’d try to open back up to Him, but something kept me back. Needless to say this was a pretty rough time for me. I still knew that God hadn’t left me, but it sure felt like it.
Now to the fun part. Over the last six months God has asked me to give some things up to Him. Some small, some big. But all of them were things that hindered my relationship with Him. Some I couldn’t give up and I asked Him to take them from me, expecting He wouldn’t. He did.
In the past week, God shook some things up that needed to be shaken, and I was able to let of some things that I needed to let go of. And as we broke through my last wall keeping Him out, He ran full speed and swept me up in His arms. I think that is about the only way I can describe it. In the past week, I have seen the past six months come together in an awesome way. “Oh, I see why you did that God, sorry I was shut you off.” “Oh, thank you for doing that, even though I was mad at you about it.”
I have fallen in love with God at a deeper level than I have ever seen in my life. I have had more joy in the last week, than I have had the whole time I’ve been back home. And rather than God saying “I told you so,” He said, “I love you. I’m so proud of you. You’re mine.”
Thank you God for who you are!
In the last couple weeks of DTS, my staff offered advice about the transition back home. I heard over and over that the transition was going to be the hardest part of DTS. I figured after some of the incredible stretching God did on outreach, transitioning home would be a breeze. I’d be home again with my family and friends, and the only difference would be that I was more in love with God than before.
I was pretty off on that assumption. I got home a little bit just over six months ago, and I can pretty easily say that this has been the hardest six months of my life. I had made the decision before DTS that I would take the full year off and start school in the fall. With a large majority of my friends off at college, and the rest in high school, I found myself with lots of time to myself. And for those of you that know me well, you know that that isn’t something I enjoy. I would much rather spend my time with other people.
I knew that God had something special for me in this time. I knew that there was something He wanted for me. My dad said something to me shortly after I came home. He said, “Ryan, I’ve been praying for you, and I know you have been lonely, but I feel like God is saying that this season is a really special time for you and Him.” I agreed with that wholeheartedly. I wanted to get started right away. What I didn’t realize is that it wasn’t just “Spend time with me alone, away from your friends, and you are going to see incredible growth.” It was more as if God was calling to me, “Lay down everything, let go of everything, pursue me. I’m enough.” I didn’t realize He was saying that to me. All I knew was that God had said that this season was for me and Him, and I was seeing absolutely nothing coming from it.
I felt like my quiet times were dry. I felt abandoned my Him at points. “God, I did this for you, and now you are just leaving me. I spent four and a half months of my life pursuing you, and now you aren’t going to pursue me. Where are you?” I found myself wrestling with obedience. On DTS, I learned that God genuinely wanted relationship with me. Now I was wrestling with the idea that God only wanted relationship with me so that I could do stuff for Him.
I kept looking around trying to find God, only to find that I had shut him off, because I felt like I was being taken advantage of. I’d try to open back up to Him, but something kept me back. Needless to say this was a pretty rough time for me. I still knew that God hadn’t left me, but it sure felt like it.
Now to the fun part. Over the last six months God has asked me to give some things up to Him. Some small, some big. But all of them were things that hindered my relationship with Him. Some I couldn’t give up and I asked Him to take them from me, expecting He wouldn’t. He did.
In the past week, God shook some things up that needed to be shaken, and I was able to let of some things that I needed to let go of. And as we broke through my last wall keeping Him out, He ran full speed and swept me up in His arms. I think that is about the only way I can describe it. In the past week, I have seen the past six months come together in an awesome way. “Oh, I see why you did that God, sorry I was shut you off.” “Oh, thank you for doing that, even though I was mad at you about it.”
I have fallen in love with God at a deeper level than I have ever seen in my life. I have had more joy in the last week, than I have had the whole time I’ve been back home. And rather than God saying “I told you so,” He said, “I love you. I’m so proud of you. You’re mine.”
Thank you God for who you are!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Dying to Live
“Jesus replied, ‘The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me.’” - John 12:23-26
I picture Jesus saying this very calmly and confidently. I can just see Him standing there and calling people to live like He does. Totally surrendered, totally ignoring Himself. In fact, I picture Jesus standing there, and as He is saying this He is hardly able to contain the excitement of following His Dad’s call. This is where I stopped the first time reading this. I thought, “Wow, that is how I should be. That is the key. I should just ignore what I’m feeling and try to make myself excited about it.” Then I asked God for a bigger piece, something more from this. He said to read on a bit further.
“Now my heart is troubled…” - John 12:27a
Wow! Jesus might have been calm, and He probably was confident, because He knew His Dad. But His heart was troubled. His heart was aching at what He was going to go through. But disregarding His pain and disregarding Himself, He was able to say:
“…and what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? No, it was this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!” - John 12:27b-28
Jesus was dying to live. He knew that life wasn’t in the physical. He knew that life wasn’t about feeling, about nerves, about us. He knew that life was in the Father. He died to Himself so that HE could live from God’s life. He died to the world so that WE could live from that same life. If He had chosen to live for Himself, we would have never had the opportunity to live in God’s life.
"I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father.” - John 14:12
I think every time that I have read this verse; my thoughts have gone straight to His miracles. We will heal more than He did, we will raise the dead more than He did, we will prophesy more than He did. I believe He was talking about that, but I think He was talking about something even deeper than that. The One who died so that the whole world had the opportunity to live is telling us that we will do greater works than Him. Maybe there is something there. He is saying if we believe in Him, we will do the same things He has done and even greater. Wow! I’m not going to try and say what that means, because I don’t know, but I do know that Jesus wasn’t just giving a pep talk that He didn’t believe in.
The only way we can figure out what that looks like is to do what Jesus did. He surrendered His troubled heart, He surrendered His reasons why He shouldn’t do it, He surrendered himself, because He knew that what His Dad had was greater than what He could do out of Himself. I want to live like that. It’s kind of scary, because it involves letting go of my walls, my protection, but it’s exciting because I know that God has the only true life.
I picture Jesus saying this very calmly and confidently. I can just see Him standing there and calling people to live like He does. Totally surrendered, totally ignoring Himself. In fact, I picture Jesus standing there, and as He is saying this He is hardly able to contain the excitement of following His Dad’s call. This is where I stopped the first time reading this. I thought, “Wow, that is how I should be. That is the key. I should just ignore what I’m feeling and try to make myself excited about it.” Then I asked God for a bigger piece, something more from this. He said to read on a bit further.
“Now my heart is troubled…” - John 12:27a
Wow! Jesus might have been calm, and He probably was confident, because He knew His Dad. But His heart was troubled. His heart was aching at what He was going to go through. But disregarding His pain and disregarding Himself, He was able to say:
“…and what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? No, it was this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!” - John 12:27b-28
Jesus was dying to live. He knew that life wasn’t in the physical. He knew that life wasn’t about feeling, about nerves, about us. He knew that life was in the Father. He died to Himself so that HE could live from God’s life. He died to the world so that WE could live from that same life. If He had chosen to live for Himself, we would have never had the opportunity to live in God’s life.
"I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father.” - John 14:12
I think every time that I have read this verse; my thoughts have gone straight to His miracles. We will heal more than He did, we will raise the dead more than He did, we will prophesy more than He did. I believe He was talking about that, but I think He was talking about something even deeper than that. The One who died so that the whole world had the opportunity to live is telling us that we will do greater works than Him. Maybe there is something there. He is saying if we believe in Him, we will do the same things He has done and even greater. Wow! I’m not going to try and say what that means, because I don’t know, but I do know that Jesus wasn’t just giving a pep talk that He didn’t believe in.
The only way we can figure out what that looks like is to do what Jesus did. He surrendered His troubled heart, He surrendered His reasons why He shouldn’t do it, He surrendered himself, because He knew that what His Dad had was greater than what He could do out of Himself. I want to live like that. It’s kind of scary, because it involves letting go of my walls, my protection, but it’s exciting because I know that God has the only true life.
Friday, January 29, 2010
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